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Raccoon Underground Railroad

March 25, 2016 Fear, Fun 1 Comment

I got home around 10 PM last night after having dinner with a friend. It was late-ish for me, but Thursday is my Friday and I’ve had a particularly momentous week and life is good right now, so I wasn’t quite ready to join Greg (and Miles) in bed. Instead, I opted to sit in the hot tub and listen to one of my meditation podcasts to end the night. After undressing, I put on my fluffy robe and went out to the hot tub. I disrobed and lowered myself into the 104* water. Ahhhh.

As I was getting out, I picked up my robe and my phone managed to slip down the crack between the tub and the deck. What are the chances?!

I’m a problem solver, so I instantly thought of the “grabber gadget” someone had given me when I was broken. I knew right where it was in the basement (even in the dark) and retrieved it quickly. Only problem? My phone somehow landed several inches away from the space and I couldn’t reach it with the grabber. Fuck.

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I thought about my options:

  1. Go into the garage and try to find heavy gauge wire and stick it down the slats of the deck to try to scooch my phone to where Greg created an access point for the sprinklers, a distance of about two feet and a corner.
  2. Leave my phone overnight and get it in the morning. Leave it on the wet ground underneath the deck, with the meditation podcast still running.
  3. Crawl under the deck to retrieve it.

I chose Option 3.

I donned a headlamp and nothing else to army-crawl under the deck in the very dark night to retrieve my electronic device that I apparently cannot live without. SOMEONE MIGHT TEXT ME BETWEEN NOW AND 6:30 AM, YOU GUYS.

There were probably raccoons under there. They run rampant in our neighborhood and like to taunt the dogs, so I’m pretty sure our under-deck area is a rest station on the Raccoon Underground Railroad. There were certainly spiders and maybe even snakes and slugs and snails and rats and mice and I don’t even want to think about what else. I made myself one with them. Me and my headlamp, army-crawling toward the soothing voice of the meditation podcast. I made eye contact with none of these things, thankfully.

Of note: when I say “army-crawling,” the actual maneuver was more like a forearm plank, tip-toeing myself forward to the phone and then backward to get the fuck out of there. So basically it was a bonus workout for the day. No wonder my abs are sore today.

My phone and I were reunited and at this point, and I was bare-ass freezing. I needed to get back into the hot tub, obviously. But I couldn’t get in with under-deck dirt and muck all over me. It would be a waste of precious water and time to come into the house to take a shower, just to get clean enough to get back into the hot tub.

Being the problem solver that I am, I turned the hose on and “showered” with freezing cold water in my driveway. Then I got back into the 104* water and giggled at my antics until my soothing meditation podcast was over and I went to bed.

P.S. No one texted me.

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