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The Same, Only Different

February 10, 2010 Family, Fear, Fido No Comments

“Oh yeah, I’m sure you’re stressed,” says Greg tonight as I lean into him for a back rub. This is the guy who is working 1.5 jobs in 10+ hour days, trying to train for his racing season, and be a loving husband and doggy dad.

Well, it’s not so much that I’m stressed in the way that he is stressed or the way that I used to be stressed going to my job, but it’s not like I’m living the life of The Real Housewives of San Mateo County. I even surprised myself by defending myself in this manner (rather than reverting to my alter-ego PAM — Passive Aggressive Molly).

“I realize that I’m not doing what you’re doing, but here’s my new reality:

  • I gave up what was familiar, comfortable, and “normal” to me in terms of everyday life and livelihood.
  • I don’t earn any of my own money or have spending money like I used to.
  • I don’t have the same level of stability as I’ve always had and been able to provide for myself.
  • I am in uncharted territory.”

He did concede by saying, “Yeah, not having money is stressful.” I guess I feel good about that level of empathy from him (we don’t share money, so it isn’t like I’m spending his earnings on my everyday whims), and maybe it’s good that I’m getting to the bottom of the funk and grouchiness that I’ve had the past few weeks. I can only blame it on lack of sunshine for so long…

I’m scared of being so far removed from Corporate America, where I was able to be a positive contributor, make friends, add value, make money, and LEARN. Maybe that’s what I’m most scared of. I am afraid I’m getting dumber everyday that I spend more time with myself and not with smarter people. I learn by osmosis and my dog doesn’t count.

There. I said it.

I’m scared. It makes my heart rate increase. It makes my breath shallow. It makes my muscles tense up. This is where body and mind meet. Psychosomatics. The body reacts to fear in a similar fashion as it does to physical work. The silver lining must be that we are burning calories when facing our fears! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Well, at least until I get my book written.

As frightening as all this unknown business is, I’m still moving forward with my dream of getting away from a desk job I hate. I am scared and uncertain and grouchy, but it’s better than the pit in my stomach that I got just thinking about going to work the next day. In fact, the best part of my day (especially Sunday) is knowing that I don’t have to answer to anyone but my dumb dog tomorrow.

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